One day at a time. One day at a time*

It's an affirmation I forget repeatedly but it's one I have to remember particularly during this difficult time in my life. It's hard to change a life and a routine after 20 years of thinking the present will be as it is forever. It's hard to peel away from the known, the comfortable. Yet life is always change and I often forget that --and am not sure that at the age that am at if it is a good or bad thing to reckon that I haven't prepared myself for the next 40 something years of change.

Better late than never, I guess.

Today I start a 6 week weight loss and fitness plan but as with everything I do with my life, it is so much more than about shedding 46 pounds. Looking at myself in the mirror I can see that my body is stuck with the things I don't have but wanted so desperately.

Like this belly that used to be a flat stomach with smashing abs. It wants a baby. Desperately. Yet that's not going to happen with the man I chose to be the father of my children. He doesn't want anymore. That's not a life he wants to share anymore. And so my belly has been throwing a tantrum for the past 3 years waiting to be round and full with the kicks of another baby.

I've got to teach it to let it go. Let it cry. Let it grieve. Then, move on.

Shedding the pounds is more about me shedding the weight of grieving a life that's not to be --at least not in this marriage. It's about letting go, moving on.

It's also about shedding the shame. Am mortified that I've been so caught in the drama of what I don't have that I've completely glossed over 46 pounds of extra weight. That's a lot of not having that has buried my old me.

So for the next six weeks am going to play archeologist of my self. See what's left of the old Liza under these layers of fat, grief and shame.

Yet am also going to play treasure hunter. To live in one day at a time, one hour a day, in the moment,  To discover, or should I say uncover, what is now of this Me. Actually, it's not even a "have to". To be, I choose. I choose to be self-aware, present.

For the next six weeks I choose to be present to what makes me tick, what makes me drown and eat my grief and sadness away. Yet I choose to also focus on what brings me happiness, contentment and bliss.

I've chosen six weeks because I got intrigued by the "Slim In Six" exercise program. Yes, I saw the infomercial. Yes, I succumbed to it.

The thing is, I've been a Weight Watchers member since forever, but the meetings are just not cutting it for me. I really wish they did some of those meetings around an exercise program. You know so you get to go to a Weight Watchers gym and instead of rehashing the same thing about points over and over again, you got to shake your body for 30 minutes before going on for "the talk".

I guess that's part of setting the path to your own success. I just wish I wasn't so alone during this process. Sure, the #wwtweetup on Sundays should be a great way to keep the focus. I guess what am responding to right now is to the overall loneliness I've felt since the death of my marriage. I've been trying to eat that away as well :P

Six weeks is not really enough time to loose 46 pounds, especially since we will be in the middle of so many holidays. Yet it's now or never. I'll never have a perfect block of time to focus on myself unless I declare now as perfect.

And now is perfect because now is about me.

I'm focusing on loosing the first 25 pounds during these first 6 weeks. As you can gather, I will be doing Weight Watchers for the food portion of the plan and Slim in Six video program for the exercise.

This morning I discovered that, of course, it sounded better on paper than in reality. I live in a small apartment and putting on a video at 6:30am so I can jump around is just not convenient at all if I want the quiet of the morning to be my guardian. So I had to undust my memory bank of exercise options and did 30 minutes of my own flavor of the long gone Urban Yoga Workout. In the quiet of the morning, while the sun is rising, it's the perfect choice for getting this old body of mine going.

And so this is it. Six weeks of blogging this process. I can't say I will write about it everyday but until November 30th, I will reporting on my progress.

I can't believe am actually excited.

* Quote from "Things We Lost in the Fire (2007)
Hi, my name is Jerry and I'm an addict. I've been clean for 89 days. My mind is clearer, and... I think it's getting better. Every day, a little bit. But I wanna talk about this dream I keep having. It always starts with me stealing silverware. Then I go sell it to this guy who I used to know who owned a catering service. Then with the money, I go to this place where I used to buy my drug of choice, and... he's not around. So I go to other spots, right, but for some reason, no one is around. All of Seattle is dry, and then I get that feeling... the dread... and I panic. And I start running, and it's raining, and it gets dark. And then I'm in my old apartment, and I'm thrashing right through it, looking for something I might have stashed away. And I think I'm having a seizure. And then I find a balloon hidden in my suitcase. So there I am... with a bag of junk in one hand, and the money for my next fix in the other... and I feel at total, utter peace. And I wake up. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. Thank you.