Fitness

I weighed in this morning and guess what? I put on weight. Yup. I spent a whole week hungry and exercising so that I coul put on .4 pounds.

*I hate my fucking life so fucking much.

So what went wrong? More than a few things, to say the least:

1. I dropped the ball at about Thursday. I banked points so that I could have pizza but then I didn't track my points on Friday nor Saturday.
2. I didn't exercise every day in the morning. This is not not just a "SlimIn6" thing. Pamela Peek of Fit To Live and Bill Phillips of Body for Life both advocate the "exercise right after waking up" routine.
3. I could have ramped up the leafy greens. I really, really was hungry most of the time. I need to eat more of low calorie foods so I won't just suffer from hunger.
4. I didn't rest enough. There were days I was so tired I did go to bed early, but my life is such a mess right now that it's really difficult for me to not just rest but to feel rested.
5. I didn't drink enough water. I was doing fine those first few days but I did notice yesterday that hours had gone by and I hadn't had any water or liquids in my body.

Hungry, tired, unhappy. One of the things I noticed this week was that I feel extremely resentful. I guess it's natural given am in the process of separation but I had no idea it was this much. Am so angry. And having now to plan/organize/strategy/execute a weight loss plan ---and basically change a lot of the routines in this household to make that happen--- makes even more angry.  Read more

So today is the second day of my 6 week fitness plan. Everything that can go wrong has. My Xbox (which is my VCR) is not working. The kids 'puter crashed as well. So out went the DVDs and in came another 25 minutes in the morning of vigorously awakening aerobics.

Yes I am actually waking up, putting on a bra and immediately stretching and working out for 25 minutes. I have to say, it doesn't beat morning sex* but working out that early and that fast feels really go.

That's two days in a row of morning exercising that I actually have enjoyed. Something's definitely shifting  --and I hope it's not my boobs, 'cause I gotta get to that Christina Hendrick's shape I was talking about yesterday :D

I didn't "exercise" yesterday in the afternoon but walked for about one hour running from place to another all around downtown. I was running errands, so that earned me another 30 minutes of solid activity (am actually downpointing the walking on account of the stops and shopping).

What else? Am hungry. Not like really really hungry but I definitely notice there's something missing. I did east 6 times yesterday for a total of 31.5 points. Today I've only consumed 11.5. I have to increase the amount of 0 point food 'cause am really noticing the hunger.

Ooooh! I discovered that an espresso with a teaspoon of sugar --which is exactly how I take it-- is ZERO POINTS! That deserves a total fucking w00t! I don't have to go through caffeine withdrawal after all.

What else? Oh, I've noticed I have a bit of a "Diet" Coke/Pepsi habit. Am putting a stop on that. Am substituting with soda water and a splash of fruit punch or any other juice delicacies. Read more

Firefox is almost perfect because it can be so much more than just a browser. It unfortunately won't clean your house, do the dishes or fold the laundry. It does have an awesome extension called Food and Calorie Finder:

The Food and Calorie Finder runs discreetly in the background taking note of popular foods on pages you surf and displaying the number of foods found in the status bar at the bottom of the browser.

When you are interested in finding out about nutrition for a food on the page, simply click on the icon to open up the side panel to reveal the full package. Once you select a food from the top panel of choices, the nutritional information will be displayed in the bottom panel. You can toggle which nutritional value you're interested in seeing, like calories or carbs - great for those on a diet.

If you want more detailed information, like a different serving size, just click on the food inside the panel which will open a new tab with full nutritional information about the food.

Other features include highlighting selected foods found on the web page you're browsing and an icon which 'lights up' when foods are found on a page.

This is really awesome if you dont have the money to pay for Weight Watchers online tools or if you are like me, hate their interface (and even the paper kind) so fucking much that you wait until the end of the day to update your tracker.

I can now check as I eat through out the day via my browser --and grock knows I spend at least 12 hours a day in front of a computer.

It's an affirmation I forget repeatedly but it's one I have to remember particularly during this difficult time in my life. It's hard to change a life and a routine after 20 years of thinking the present will be as it is forever. It's hard to peel away from the known, the comfortable. Yet life is always change and I often forget that --and am not sure that at the age that am at if it is a good or bad thing to reckon that I haven't prepared myself for the next 40 something years of change.

Better late than never, I guess.

Today I start a 6 week weight loss and fitness plan but as with everything I do with my life, it is so much more than about shedding 46 pounds. Looking at myself in the mirror I can see that my body is stuck with the things I don't have but wanted so desperately.

Like this belly that used to be a flat stomach with smashing abs. It wants a baby. Desperately. Yet that's not going to happen with the man I chose to be the father of my children. He doesn't want anymore. That's not a life he wants to share anymore. And so my belly has been throwing a tantrum for the past 3 years waiting to be round and full with the kicks of another baby.

I've got to teach it to let it go. Let it cry. Let it grieve. Then, move on.

Shedding the pounds is more about me shedding the weight of grieving a life that's not to be --at least not in this marriage. It's about letting go, moving on.

It's also about shedding the shame. Am mortified that I've been so caught in the drama of what I don't have that I've completely glossed over 46 pounds of extra weight. That's a lot of not having that has buried my old me.

So for the next six weeks am going to play archeologist of my self. See what's left of the old Liza under these layers of fat, grief and shame. Read more

This not a rhetorical question: I do want to know because after I exercise, I get cravings for things like cheese, fruit, spelt pretzels. When I don't exercise, all I want to eat are things like croissants and cherry streudel.

Of course, I also need coffee to wash them down