Life

I weighed in this morning and guess what? I put on weight. Yup. I spent a whole week hungry and exercising so that I coul put on .4 pounds.

*I hate my fucking life so fucking much.

So what went wrong? More than a few things, to say the least:

1. I dropped the ball at about Thursday. I banked points so that I could have pizza but then I didn't track my points on Friday nor Saturday.
2. I didn't exercise every day in the morning. This is not not just a "SlimIn6" thing. Pamela Peek of Fit To Live and Bill Phillips of Body for Life both advocate the "exercise right after waking up" routine.
3. I could have ramped up the leafy greens. I really, really was hungry most of the time. I need to eat more of low calorie foods so I won't just suffer from hunger.
4. I didn't rest enough. There were days I was so tired I did go to bed early, but my life is such a mess right now that it's really difficult for me to not just rest but to feel rested.
5. I didn't drink enough water. I was doing fine those first few days but I did notice yesterday that hours had gone by and I hadn't had any water or liquids in my body.

Hungry, tired, unhappy. One of the things I noticed this week was that I feel extremely resentful. I guess it's natural given am in the process of separation but I had no idea it was this much. Am so angry. And having now to plan/organize/strategy/execute a weight loss plan ---and basically change a lot of the routines in this household to make that happen--- makes even more angry.  Read more

It's an affirmation I forget repeatedly but it's one I have to remember particularly during this difficult time in my life. It's hard to change a life and a routine after 20 years of thinking the present will be as it is forever. It's hard to peel away from the known, the comfortable. Yet life is always change and I often forget that --and am not sure that at the age that am at if it is a good or bad thing to reckon that I haven't prepared myself for the next 40 something years of change.

Better late than never, I guess.

Today I start a 6 week weight loss and fitness plan but as with everything I do with my life, it is so much more than about shedding 46 pounds. Looking at myself in the mirror I can see that my body is stuck with the things I don't have but wanted so desperately.

Like this belly that used to be a flat stomach with smashing abs. It wants a baby. Desperately. Yet that's not going to happen with the man I chose to be the father of my children. He doesn't want anymore. That's not a life he wants to share anymore. And so my belly has been throwing a tantrum for the past 3 years waiting to be round and full with the kicks of another baby.

I've got to teach it to let it go. Let it cry. Let it grieve. Then, move on.

Shedding the pounds is more about me shedding the weight of grieving a life that's not to be --at least not in this marriage. It's about letting go, moving on.

It's also about shedding the shame. Am mortified that I've been so caught in the drama of what I don't have that I've completely glossed over 46 pounds of extra weight. That's a lot of not having that has buried my old me.

So for the next six weeks am going to play archeologist of my self. See what's left of the old Liza under these layers of fat, grief and shame. Read more